So aside from this whole two papers in two weeks a presentation/group meeting every week, overwhelmed feeling...God is so good!

Onec Psychology is over :( ....I have to take Humanities in another co-hort (a whole different gorup than my normal class)...and then I'mdone till August. Yes thats good but I really didn't want to have to go through this hwole drop in thing cause most cohorts are very settled, and very much a tight knit group and acepting drop ins isn't always top priority! So...I decided to check on the class members online to see if possibly it was the cohort that I thought it might be...including a kid who dropped in with my group for Speech Communications. I figured if I at least knew him, and could possibly join his learning team, that would clear my anxiety about the class. 

SO HE WAS IN THE LIST!!! SO I emailed my good ol' buddy Jefff to ask if I can be in his LT and he says yes it will be me, him, and another drop in!! YAY!!!! So on top of that, it's being taught by my favorite teacher who did my 2 english classes SO YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I really wanted to get this job working as a Senior Admin. Assistant in my mom's building. Clearly very high level people who appreciate people like me who work their BUTT off! So I really wanted to work there and be appreciated, ya know? Plus it is getting more and mroe difficlut to work in this atmosphere where continually we are finding out that our patients are dying! SO HARD!

And I submitted my resume for a D level last year...and got shut down, but now I'm back in college and with another year of Yale Experience under my belt I tried again since the job in my mom's office (not working for her tho) AND GOT SHOT DOWN AGAIN!!

Then my mom and I re-did my resume and I attempted to re-apply and it wouldn't let me...so per my mom's advice I emailed the HR lady that I got the SHOT DOWN notice from, with my new updated resume and requesting a meeting if it still wasn't foirwardable for that job. 

I really want to move up. Soooo the lady just called me and we set up a meeting to go over what makes a resume forwardable and not forwardable AND to map out a CAREER PLAN!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sister is 10 weeks pregnant. just so you know and now I've got sympathy cravings. She was finally able to eat again last week because the nausea finally stopped, but randomly last week I started eating and really wanting peanut butter cups....and i usually don't eat that..so after a whole week, I was like what the heck is up with that? so I called Pamela just for the heck of it yesterday to ask her if she's been craving peanut butter at all...to find out she went through an entire jar last week....eating peanut butter sandwiches because she can't really eat meat (it grosses her out right now) and she's been relying and craving peanut butter for protein~!! I told her that I'm going to hit her if I gain weight with her through her pregnancy because I'd get mad....but gosh, sympathy cravings? I don't know if I could handle this!! Especially since all I want in life is to be a wife and mom!!

Wow, I made it! I didn' even cheat and go on here on Sundays!!

So here's an update:

Still dating Bruce...just over 2 months now. he wins. V-day he got me a teddy bear and roses and took me to dinner. My first real date that I've been dying for my entire life! 

He came to the house picked me up, took me to the restaurant, paid, took me home...oh it was just wonderful! 
I don't think he tries but he just ends up saying the sweetest things. He inadvertantly called me a princess last night. He makes me smile. 

Enougha bout him: MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8wks as of today!! I found out in the beginning of March. So I'm an aunt! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

And life in general is a roller coaster. I want to learn how to discern things, but life is going so fast that I feel like I don't have time to even truly learn what is means to discern and on top of that, actually discern stuff. Which makes me feel like I have no idea if I am doing what God wants! Between school/work/youth ministry/boyfriend...life is speeeeding by me.

 

So (cause all important things I have to post about start with so), I'm in a bit of a rut and don't even know what to do. 

For real, I'm having a mini life crisis. When you are sitting with your boyfriend, your new boyfriend, and all of a sudden you get a FLASHBACK of your old boyfriend. A few times in a row this has happened. I want to be over that so badly. I am scared because this thought came to me yesterday while on my way to pick up bruce...."what if I'm struggling because the comfort that Bruce has around my family and friends and at my house, and all of the things that bruce does that I really like, I really just wanted from Matt"

I know when we broke up, I said that I didn't want to break up with Matt, it's just what I had to do. And now, I have someone who basically all the things I needed from Matt, but it's like I'm mad. Because I was already comfortable with Matt. Why couldn't he just stand up and be the man I wanted/needed him to be. Am I really still talking about this?

I am freaking out. I wanted it to be him. I really wanted it to be him. WOW. 5 months later, coming to this realization, while I'm now dating someone new. What is wrong with me? You'd think I could just be happy to finally have a guy that I've been lookin for. But now I just wish it were someone else? Am I losing my mind? 

I really like Bruce. I'm happy when we're together. It's when we get to certain moments when he kisses me or something happens a certain way, I get this flashback of matt thing. That makes it really difficult for me to be happy when I'm aroud him or look forward to being around him. It sucks! I've never felt this way before. I don't want my past to dictate my future. I don't want my past relationship to ruin this one. But how can it not? I feel bad for thinking about matt when I'm with Bruce, like it's rude. And on top of that, do I keep it to myself or do I share it with Bruce? Do I tell him that I'm still not over Matt? That I still haven't let go completely? How do I explain that after 5 months, I still can't keep Matt out of my head. Do I talk to Matt about it? Ask him if he's having the same thing? How would Bruce feel if he found out I was talking to Matt...all of these things are RACING through my brain. 

I just want to scream. I also want to cry but haven't been able to! Go figure. On top of this, I found out that my household sister Amanda, that I was uber close with, her dad passed away yesterday morning. He fell off of something and was unable to feel the left side of his body and as of saturday still had no feeling, but was able to move his fingers and toes. Amanda said he was offering up his suffering for all household sisters. (AMAZING!) but then something happened in the middle of the night and he died. Really, I should be able to cry. 

I'm thinking that tonight, I will just go home after work and go to the chapel by my house for adoration then try to get some homework done. Maybe in the privacy of the chapel there I can let all my tears out and journal and read some scripture. Maybe I'll just hang with Jesus all night there!

Part of my weekly assignment for my college writing class is writting 3 times a week in a journal on the amc website. WOOHOO!

I'm like the only one in the class that knew what to do with it! YAY for getting graded on journal!

But seriously, we have to write for 5 minutes each time on anything we want! 

i THINK at some point this week I'll post about Bruce on the school thing. I can't believe he's my  boyfriend. It wassooo crazy. but last night texting him during class was cute. 

i just hope we start talking on the phone more! but we'll see! I think right now we're just getting comfortable with each other!